After two weeks of rather one-sided conversations with my canine companions, I’ve been spending most of my time with my parents during this pandemic. It’s an interesting experience to spend this much time with your parents as an adult. And while I didn’t exactly volunteer for this social experiment, I thought I’d report back in case anyone else is considering it.

The first thing that happens when you move into a home with two retirement age individuals, is that you begin to age at an alarming rate. The other day my mom announced that I needed to learn how to play the card game Bridge because she’s missing her Bridge group. I explained that I’d already become a person who liked going on drives through the country and who looked forward to Jeopardy before our early bird dinner every night. If I started subbing in for her Bridge game, the AARP would probably proactively ask me to join.

The next thing that happens is that you really start to get to know these people. I’d been watching a crime series on Netflix last weekend and so, on Easter Sunday, when we sat down for lunch, I asked an important question: “If you killed someone and had to get rid of the body, how would you do it?”

My mom initially refused for this to be our Easter lunch conversation. But then my dad insisted on sharing his idea. Unfortunately, his idea was so bad that my mom was unable to resist. “No,” she said, “you’d be caught for sure.” And then she detailed a plan that included crushing the teeth of a burned body with a sledgehammer.

My dad announced then that henceforth he’d be sleeping in the guest room with the door locked.

The last thing that happens is that they get tired of you. That’s right! You, the apple of their eye, the one they’re always asking to come home and visit! Today, I yelled at my dad about not decontaminating a package he’d picked up. I pointed out that he was over 60 and a male, so if he got the virus, he was basically dead. And then he looked very pointedly at me and said “these days that doesn’t sound so bad.”

So, there you have it. I told my parents that I’d give their house 3 out of 5 stars on Yelp. It lost points due to me having to do all the grocery shopping, two snakes living in their gate, and no dogs being allowed inside the house. They didn’t think this was funny. But I told them that it’s looking like they’ll extend the lockdown, so they’ll have plenty of time to bring up their score. I can tell they’re thrilled.

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