Uber Education

I love Uber drivers. I’ve had some terrible ones—a guy who I’m pretty sure was drunk and who kept referring to liberals as “snowflakes” comes to mind. But also some really great ones. Last night was a great one.

Thomas picked me up in downtown Minneapolis where I am on a work trip to return me to my hotel after dinner. He immediately began sharing his entire life story with me. He’d been in Minneapolis for 20 years, ever since he’d moved here so he wouldn’t have to raise his children in his violent Chicago neighborhood.

Thomas was an older black man who admitted early in the ride that his rather large girth came from a love of Southern cooking. His mother lives on 40 acres in the middle of Mississippi and he is confident she’s the greatest cook on earth.

I’m fascinated by the kind of insane cold that Minnesota deals with, so I asked Thomas about it. He told me about massive snow drifts and “cutting temperatures.”

“You know, the worst part is every winter as it gets cold you start hearing the stories of the homeless people who die,” he said.

I nodded sadly. “Yeah, I can’t imagine how hard it would be to be homeless in that kind of weather,” I say.

He nodded, then said winking, “Of course, they find their ways to escape it.”

I nodded, not knowing what he was talking about.

He went on, “I don’t want to say what they do, but you know what they do.”

At this point I’m thinking that perhaps Thomas is alluding to homeless people breaking into places to stay warm. I nod again.

“I really shouldn’t say what they do, but we all know what they do,” he said. Then he paused and said matter of factly. “They get with a fat chick.”

Thomas feels certain that accepting the sexual advances of overweight women was the primary method for homeless men surviving the Minnesota winter. “I mean, the other thing with a fat chick is that she knows how to cook. So you won’t be hungry. And you’re out of the cold. So you do what you have to do.”

His logic seems sound. And Thomas seemed like he knew things. I feel like as far as Uber rides go, this one was especially informative. So, I’m passing on my newfound knowledge. Now you know.

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